how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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