Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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