I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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