I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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