I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
