I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
