Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
