No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just invented taco cereal.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
