you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
