I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize