I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
