I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
