I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
