my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
