I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
