My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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