I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
