Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize