How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
