So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
