Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
