Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
