It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
