I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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