he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
