I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
