dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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