Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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