I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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