I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
