my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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