I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
not ubering you a puppy
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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