there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
