Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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