She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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