Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
