Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
