i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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