It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
