I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
