I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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