when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
