We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
