If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
