Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
