If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
soo... how was my night?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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