Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
