Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
