two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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