you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
