my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
