we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize