I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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