I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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