I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
