Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
